Tuesday, January 4, 2011
my loved ones are close, but yet so far. as we join in laughter, i can feel myself becoming more distant. it doesnt make sence. i wish i could tell them how i really feel, but i cant. it's too difficult, and i dont want them to worry about me, they have their own lives to deal with. there are so many people that i consider the best friends i could ever have, but i have trouble spilling out my inner thoughts. If i don't even care for my own emotions, how could they? I love them, I'm just not sure they love me back. i feel alone with my friends,
the hardest thing for me to do is to pretend. I smile though I'm breaking inside, hiding the pain.I talk is if nothings wrong, as if my life is a fairytale. when people come to me crying and asking for advice i help them through their pain, in order to avoid my own. I secretly feel that I'm a great actor because i could pretend. no one really knows who i am. the lost boy who cant find his way back, a dieing plant struggling to live, someone drowning and cant be saved. i just grin and bare it wishing i could make it through.
laying here in my bed, not know what to do, what to think about, while i wallow in self-pity. hoping it would all ended, if i didn't have to feel sad, if I wasn't in this situation. could i be happy? it's not my fault, this is who i am. I'm getting sick of feeling sorry for myself, due to that loneliness, but i cant help it. every night I do the same ritual; lay down in my bed and just hope for the best. in my heart i know nothing will change i will still fell as empty as ever, maybe even more. as I'm motionless, i stare at the blank walls of my room. in reality, this is a symbol, one of myself. we both share one common characteristic; emptiness. as i go to sleep crying, i just reassure myself "it's just a dream" but i know the truth.